Aradhana discusses her decision to move away from her family and friends to Utah in order to marry a man she had only known for six months. In her interview, with a lot of honesty and thoughtfulness she talks about the joys and challenges of being newly married, an Indian American, and a recent Utahn.

Age? 32

Places you have lived in? New York, Bangalore (India), and Salt Lake City

Places you would like to live in? Seattle, San Francisco, and London

What do you do? Communications professional – currently at a higher Ed institution

How much of an adjustment was married life for you initially? Did you feel you had to compromise a lot?

Well, we found each other through a more traditional route (we’re both Indian, Keralite, and Hindu) and then took the express lane; we met and wed in six months (with monthly conjugal visits along the way – ha!) and then I moved to south lake city, where my husband has lived for the past 10 years. So, I had a lot of friends and cousins who were concerned that I was making a decision that was so unlike me and at a time when I was feeling extreme pressure to get married. But I was unwavering in my decision, regardless of the anxiety that I felt deep within myself. I just moved forward with the gut instinct that he was an innately good person. Everything else remained to be seen. He took the same risk.

Now being married over a year, how have things evolved?

Initially, I thought it would be overwhelming work, compromise, and sacrifice that everyone told me it was going to be but I’ve been more than pleasantly surprised by the playfulness we share. But we’re both in our 30s, so we have a strong sense of self and even a stronger impulse to protect that, so after many heated arguments, we learned to respect each other’s individuality. Now we’ve found our own flow and rhythm. We’ve been married only a year and a half and so, it would be ridiculous for us to expect a medal when our second anniversary comes around. And, many long-married couples warn us – “wait until you have children [for the true litmus test].”

How much do you rely on your husband for certain things and do you feel there is a balance in marriage that you are happy with?

I think for most women it’s the financial equation that comes into play here. Do you earn/invest/save/contribute/own as much as he does? My husband is much more financially savvy and secure than I am. I came into this marriage with a non-profit salary, zero savings, and a high-interest student loan that I’m continuing to repay. I never understood the true value of money – just that I would get by somehow. Funny how he’s helped me understand the importance that it plays in my own independence. But in all other areas I feel like we both have room to grow.

You mentioned you felt extreme pressure to get married. How much did family play in to your decision and growing up in a family that was not born in the United States, did you feel you were raised differently? How did this affect your American lifestyle?

Hell yeah. Isn’t that why Jhumpa Lahiri continues to be successful with her writing?

I think if you’re from an immigrant family, you are separate and different from the “mainstream” American population. And though I was born and raised in this country, I’m still asked some variation of: “But where are you really from?” The benefit of that is you belong to another cultural sphere and there is another dimension to your identity. Also, it influences your values (this is where you walk the tightrope). As South Asians, we have a strong sense of familial duty – beyond just showing up for holiday gatherings. Unfortunately, there is a constant struggle between balancing your sense of personal happiness/vision for your life with familial expectations, and to not adopt some of your parents’/community’s distorted views.  This is a more arduous exercise for the women in my community and we don’t get the due recognition for all that we have to challenge and most times, endure. So, I rebelled in my mid-late 20s (delayed adolescence) but eventually came back into the fold. When it came time for marriage, I seriously considered my parents’ wishes as well.

Do I agree with my parents’ way of thinking on most issues?  Nope but I’ve accepted that we’re of two different generations, so we’ll continue to bicker and try to convince the other of their wrongness.  Also, the history with my parents made me realize that to rebel just for the sake of rebelling or to argue just for the sake of arguing – for hearing the roar of your voice above others – is a waste.  I think you have to be clearheaded, openhearted, and consistently committed to all that you truly believe in (and I have yet to achieve this). Otherwise, you can be easily dismissed as just another pseudo intellectual, quasi-activist, poser-feminist contributing to the chaos and cacophony of half-ass attempts at changing the world.

Has it been easy to met people that you can connect with in your new surroundings?

When I tell my crew back in the Northeast how limited my social life is here, I’m usually asked, “well…what are Mormons like?”  People, they just have a different faith system.  There are some lovely Mormon co-workers at my job but we don’t socialize outside of that. In my experience, there is an unspoken social divide between those who are and are not of the faith. Then there’s the natural disconnect between the outdoorsy and the indoorsy crowd. But even while living in NY, most of my close friends were women of color from immigrant families or were immigrants themselves. There’s just a comfort level there.  Also, now that I am in my 30s, I am extremely selective when it comes to making friends. I really want genuine, reciprocal, drama-free relationships with people.  Also, to be fair to south lake city, I have found a fairly strong community of worldly, intellectual, artsy, and culturally attuned folks. Plus, I love the fact that people out here maintain eye contact and smile when you pass them on the street.

As you contribute to the blog “istheirlifeafternyc?” What were the hardest things to adjust to when moving to Utah?

This came with the territory of marriage, and I’d like to think of it as a bold proclamation of my love for my husband – “I’d even move to Utah for you!”  The lack of diversity and the hustle-bustle of a big city are the two major things I had to adjust to.  However, the university campus gives you the illusion that energy and diversity exist in the city and that’s also why I enjoy where I work.  Also, I’ve lived, worked, and studied in Brooklyn/Manhattan but I mostly grew up in Hempstead, Long Island, so maybe this isn’t such a stretch.

I love the stunning natural beauty of Utah as well as the Mountain West Region. Actually, I feel quite privileged to have experienced it.  Unfortunately, most NYers feel they can’t exist outside of that nucleus but it’s certainly possible.

I miss the street life of NYC…the crowds, the vendors, the people-watchers, the street performers…the many characters you come across in a day.  But most of that waned during the Giuliani administration, anyway.

Salt Lake City is one of the five top healthiest/active cities in the country. Do you find this refreshing and did it change your lifestyle and made it healthier and more active?

That is what really impresses me about this place. Utahans have a close connection to nature and there’s a hard-core outdoorsy culture that is so much a part of everyone’s social life here.  That is also how they keep fit, for the most part.  I thought it would be inspiring but I really have not changed my unhealthy lifestyle, except for weekly trips to Whole Foods.

Given our culture’s obsession with physical appearance, how would you describe your relationship to your body and the way you look?

At size 14, I don’t fall into either the Indian or the American parameters of beauty. Am I insecure about it? Sure. Do I beat myself over the head about it every chance I get? No. That’s where I’m at, but on to other aspects of this issue. The constant self-loathing talk that women bring into most conversations frustrates me. Why do we need this constant cheerleading from our girlfriends and reassurance from our male partners? And the emotional babysitting from the fashion industry? It’s a business that promotes a certain product that requires a certain vehicle (tall skinny chicks with high cheekbones). If an ordinary woman strives to be like that woman in the fashion magazine, will she earn as much as her? Be hobnobbing with the elite strata of society? Come on – where’s the common sense? I rarely buy fashion magazines and check out Fashion Week updates purely for the artistry of the designs. If it’s about the fantasy, then women need to accept that those images are completely manipulated and put it in its place.  Some women may disagree and propose that the fashion-media complex still be held accountable and that’s fine.

Personally, I am a “face person;” so just being 5’10” and 110 lbs. doesn’t necessarily translate to beauty in my mind. The Indian barometer of beauty is the Bollywood actor/actress (who’s increasingly being influenced by Western notions of beauty). So, ordinary women are screwed if they’re asking for external validation of their looks. Aside from all of this, I do agree that you have to strive for your personal best and do what you can to reasonably enhance your assets/minimize your flaws, and not just schlep around in sweatpants all day. And that goes for men too.

Are you happy with your current job? Was it all that you expected it to be or have there been some surprises?

Yup, I feel fulfilled in my current position. I have gained a new skill set through graphic design work. I wasn’t trained in this area but I took some Continuing Ed classes to learn all of the software and have been improving with each assignment. Now I feel quite confident about conceptualizing the design before starting the layout. Graphic design allows me to exercise my creativity and also sharpen my technical skills.  In addition to this, I also share some of the writing/editing responsibilities for print and web promotional materials. Plus, being in academia, I’m in an intellectually charged environment, so it’s an additional benefit. I hope to continue with graphic design, writing, and photography to create a multimedia set-up at home someday and run my own gig. I really don’t see myself working for someone else for the rest of my life.

Check out Aradhana’s blog on istherelifeafterNYC? Co-founded by Mari Brown and Anna Raddatz

Tags: academia, adjusting to a new place, aradhana, beauty standards in america, graphic design, Indian standards of beauty, intellectually challenging envrionment, new york city, pressures of marriage, salt lake city, traditional indian marriage, utah